A Request for the Men

Okay guys, I have a request for you.

Today while I was buying a pizza at Blaze, one of the pizza makers looked at me and with a wide smile on his face said, "Has anyone ever told you you look like a prettier Amy Schumer? I mean, she's pretty, but you are even prettier!"

While I don't advise comparing women to each other, this young man made my day. He gave me a kind-hearted compliment with no agenda. He didn't ask for my number, expect me to say anything in return, or make me feel nervous. He simply gave his compliment and moved on.   


Can moments like these happen more often? Please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?

Innocent, friendly compliments like the one I received today are so simple and effective. When I left the restaurant, pizza in hand, I had a bigger smile on my face and an extra kick in my step. I felt just a little bit prettier, a little more appreciated, and a little bit lighter.  Unfortunately, an agenda-free, creep-free compliment from a random man has only happened to me twice in my life. TWICE.

You probably heard of the girl who walked around in New York City for 10 hours with a hidden camera. Here is a link if you want to watch the video. She received over 100 catcalls, not counting whistles and winks. Men gave her "compliments" and many of them were upset with her when she wouldn't talk to them or smile. This is, sadly, a common scenario - one that most women have experienced countless times. These comments make us feel unsafe and dirty, with a sudden desire to feel invisible and get away as quickly as possible.

GUYS, you can help drown out the catcalls and whistles. You can tell women they are valuable, beautiful and appreciated. You can remind women that there are still kind men in the world.

Here are some tips to get you started:

1. Hopefully you already give words of affirmation to your close female friends, but if you don't, start there. The women in your life need to be reminded that they are appreciated, valued and loved. They most likely get a lot of compliments from other women in their life, but they might not hear it from men.
2. Don't go up to a random woman and comment on her looks. That is creepy. Instead, say something affirmative or encouraging to a woman who you are already interacting with, like the woman at the register, the telemarketer on the phone, or the lady next to you in line.
3. If you are afraid about coming across creepy, try giving random words of affirmation to female strangers while you are with female company. When she sees you are with other women, she will feel more safe and won't assume you are hitting on her.
4. Notice something about her, then compliment her on it. For example, "I really like those earrings," "You should know that you are really beautiful, just the way you are," or "you have really nice eyes."
5. If you can say something that isn't about her looks, that is even better! The other day, my friend said a man she hardly knows told her she is a wonderful woman and deserves only the best. That statement of affirmation made a big impact on her. You can also compliment them when you see them doing a good job at work, or exhibiting an admirable personality trait.
6. See a woman who looks discouraged or sad? Say something to cheer her up!
7. Once you have given your compliment, move on. Don't wait for a reply or expect a smile in return. Just give her the gift and move on. If you linger, then she might start thinking you are creepy.

I am really serious about this. Please give it a try and see the results for yourself. Consult the women in your life for further advice, or leave comments below. Also, let us know what women can do to encourage the men we randomly encounter. Maybe we can change the world, one positive, affirmative, cross-gender interaction at a time.

Meet Singleness, the Scapegoat

I am guilty.

Guilty of accusing a harmless relationship status of all my problems.

Unhappy on Valentine's Day? Well maybe I would like it if I had a boyfriend...
Only person at the wedding without a date? Would be nice if I had a husband...
Feeling lonely on a Friday night? If only I wasn't single...

It is so easy to blame singleness for unhappiness. I mean, why not? Society has told us to do so. T.V shows, movies, and music are constantly reminding us that relationships create joy and fix loneliness. Friends with significant others give us sympathy when they find out we are single. Christian culture perpetuates the idea that marriage is better than singleness. And as if outside pressures aren't enough, our physical bodies crave intimate touch and our hearts crave intimate connection.

For a couple of years now, I have been aware that singleness has gotten a bad reputation in the world. However it is only recently I realized I have been using it as a scapegoat, blaming it for all of my unhappiness. My dissatisfaction was never the fault of my singleness.  

Last Friday, I fell into the horrid pit of loneliness that all singles fear. I was alone with no plans and no one to talk to. It was Thanksgiving weekend and for all I knew, all my single friends were out of town. What now? Do I try to entertain myself? Do I wallow in self pity? Do I search for a friend, at the risk of being told they were out of town, or worse - that they already had plans?

I immediately began to wish for a boyfriend. If I had a boyfriend, I would be fine! But then my passion for learning to be content grabbed hold and shook me to my senses.

Singleness does not equate to loneliness.
Marriage does not equate to a lack of loneliness.
Boyfriends do not equate to happiness.
My relationship status was not to blame, my fear of "not fitting in" was the culprit.

After realizing my insecurity was unfounded, I contacted a few friends to find something to do. Within minutes I was on the road, picking up a friend to see a movie. Loneliness averted.

And so, I have decided to turn a new leaf. I'm throwing caution to the wind and releasing my scapegoat from captivity. I'm asking deeper questions to get to the root of the problem and not using singleness as an excuse. I challenge my single and married readers to do the same - the next time you wish for a significant other (or to be single again), ask yourself if that is really the issue. Maybe you just need to reach out to a friend, hug someone, or work out a conflict. Maybe you need to address an unhealthy insecurity. Maybe you need to take better care of yourself. I am willing to bet that you don't need a girlfriend, boyfriend, or separation to fix the problem.

1 + His Goodness = Content

I have not done singleness well.

I've spent a lot of time wondering when I will get married and to whom. I’ve looked for love in wrong places, been angry at God for not giving me someone to be with and made really bad relationship choices to keep from being lonely. I’ve tried to control the matter by joining every online dating service known to man and forcing people to set me up with their friends. Briefly, very briefly, I swore off men, deciding I didn’t need them at all ever again.

All the while, I couldn’t understand why God – who is supposed to be good – would allow me to go through this life alone and keep me from being in a relationship. “You gave Adam a companion, why not me?”

Then the math-lover in me realized something wasn’t adding up. Either God wasn’t actually good, or I was looking at this all wrong. Since God has proven himself to be good - in scripture, among my friends and in other areas in my own life – then I had it wrong. There must be a way to be content in singleness.

And so I have begun, slowly and methodically, to understand how I got to this place of discontent and how to get to a place of satisfaction – where I can embrace and enjoy this life God has given to me, living it to the fullest.

I’m not there yet, but I am getting closer.

9 Tips for a Broken Heart

I recently experienced heart break for the first time in my life. I had never been so close to loving someone before, so when we ended the relationship I experienced a pain that I didn't know was possible. Many of you have probably been there. Symptoms include, but are not limited to:

• Restless sleep
• Zero motivation to get out of bed
• Mood swings - one minute you are fine, then next you want to hide in a cave and ugly cry.
• Chocolate, copious amounts of chocolate
• Always wondering if the text you just got is from your ex
• Everything reminds you of your ex, whether it is an object, activity, song, movie, hobby, phrase, etc.

As I slowly heal from the heartache, there are several words of advice that have helped me along the way. Whether you are experiencing a break up, or trying to comfort a friend who is, here are 9 tips to help you get through the pain to the other side.

1. Heart break is a real thing. Don't try to force yourself out of it, or feel guilty for being a mess. Let yourself grieve. Eat a lot of chocolate. Schedule extra time for sleep.
   
2. Don't go through it alone. Be intentional to hang out with friends. Heart break is a lonely and disorienting feeling. Your friends can help you stay grounded in reality and lift you up.
   
3. Talk about it.  Make time to talk about your experience with others. Articulating what you are going through will help you get a clear picture of what you are feeling. Try also to speak with a better future in mind, focusing on why it was a good thing to break up and what you need to do in order to move on.
   
4. Bring your complaints to God. I was really angry with God in the beginning. "Why did you let me go through this?" "How come I am still alone?" "Do you really have my best interest in mind?" "Is believing in you even worth it?" Get it all out - God can handle it. When we come to him with our pain rather than run away from him, then we put ourselves in a better position to receive his healing love and mercy.
   
5. Don't hold on to "what could have been." You might find yourself daydreaming in the category of "What if...", "Maybe if I...", or "There's still a chance..."  Don't let your mind go there. Even if there is a possibility that s/he will come back to you, you have to move on. There is a legitimate reason you two broke up and daydreaming about what could have been or might still be is not good for your heart, mind or soul.
   
6. Forgive your ex. If your ex hurt you, don't let that pain become bitterness. Holding on to judgement against him or her will bring you down and hurt you more. There is freedom and peace that comes with forgiveness. It might take time, but it is not only possible to forgive, but an important step in your healing.
   
7. Forgive yourself. Made a bad judgement call? Maybe you went further physically than you would have liked? Or maybe you saw red flags all over the place and stayed in the relationship longer than you should have. Don't carry that burden, it will only crush you. Let it go, forgive yourself, and learn from your mistake.
   
8. Find an easy win. Eventually you have to step out of the funk and move on with your life. Don't expect to be able to immediately go back into that hardcore workout routine, paleo diet, or busy schedule. Recovery takes time, and setting goals higher than you can reach will only cause more disappointment. Take baby steps out of the funk and give yourself some easy wins like cleaning the house, reading a book, volunteering, or doing a fun activity with friends.
   
9. Singleness is awesome.  Don't let singleness equate to loneliness. Work towards being content with your solo relationship status. You are wonderful just as you are, with a huge capacity to benefit the people around you with your skills, talents and personality. The sooner you can be confident in your single-hood, the sooner you can go back to fully living the life God has given you.

Let's Change the Conversation

"Look at her, she seems so wonderful. Why isn't she married yet?"

This is a sentence I have heard many times, directed to me or people I know. The older the single woman or man is, the more frequent the question arises. The word choice may vary, but the question remains the same: "Why is s/he still single?"

When we ask this question, we are insinuating that it is wrong for her to be single, that at her age it would be better for her to be married. Her life is not as good as it could be. When we ask this question, we are telling every young woman and man that the better life is marriage. When we ask this question, we may even go as far as devaluing her as an individual - there must be something wrong with her if she wasn't able to marry, right?

The conversation must change. We have to stop wondering why good people are still single, we have to stop thinking that the fairytale idea of marriage is available to everyone and is the best way of life.

A single person can have a full life, filled with love, friends, family, accomplishments and a legacy. No spouse required.

Stop wondering why I'm not married. Ask me if I am satisfied with this life (yes). Find out what God is doing in and through me. Ask me what my struggles and gifts are. See me as a complete person who is striving to love God and love others. Stop reminding me that my biological clock is ticking. I am so much more than someone's future wife. I am a child of God.

Stop talking and acting like we are unequal. We are all equal, no matter what our relationship status.

Letting go of the Fairytale

Cinderella
Beauty and the Beast
Snow White
Sleeping Beauty
The little Mermaid
Aladdin
Shrek
Frozen

The story of finding true love against all odds, getting married and living happily ever after is embedded into our culture. As children, teens and adults, we have all hoped for the man and woman to find each other and experience true love.

As a girl, I loved these stories and I believed I would have my own version. I would meet my "prince charming" in college, marry by the age of 24 and start having kids by age 27. 

Then I turned 24, then 25, 26 and so on... and there was no prince charming. He didn't come. My fairytale dreams crumbled under the weight of reality, so I tried altering my timeline. Surely I would be married by thirty, right?

But as the imminence of the big 3-0 drew closer, I came face to face with the fact that I had it all wrong. All this time, I wanted a life that I was told I deserved by culture, family, friends, church and my overly romantic self. I waited and waited for this life to begin, hoping for something that wasn't within God's timeline for me.  I set myself up for disappointment and blamed God for it.

And then one day my eyes were opened. I looked at my life and realized it is good. I have a great job, a supportive community of friends, a good relationship with my parents, and have traveled around the world.

My life is amazing and I almost missed it because I was waiting.

So I'm letting go of the fairytale. I still want to get married and have a family, but I am not waiting anymore. I am stepping into the unknown, where the only certainty is that God has a good plan for my life, better than any fairytale ever written.